Jokes that Veteran Nurses would totally understand

40+ Quotes & Jokes About Nursing (That Veteran Nurses Totally Understand!)

Jokes that Veteran Nurses would totally understand

1. “All bleeding stops … eventually.”

2. “Be nice to me! I may be your nurse someday, and I’m the one who chooses your catheter size.”

3. “Code Brown does not mean that your patient brought you a box of chocolates.” (Code Brown = Patient needs to be cleaned up from their bowel movement.)

4. “Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon.”

5. “Don’t mess with me — I get paid to poke people with sharp objects.”

6. “Ever get to work and immediately just be like, “Fuck this, I’m out”

7. “How can anybody hate nurses? Nobody hates nurses. The only time you hate a nurse is when they’re giving you an enema.”

8. “I avoid unhealthy looking people at the mall for fear that I may have to CPR on my day off.”

9. “I’m a nurse. Let me tell you what I am not. Your WAITRESS. Your SERVANT. Your DRUG DEALER . Your PUNCHING BAG.”

10. “It is too bad that having a job which sucks life out of you does not suck the fat from your ass.”

11. “Laughter is not the best medicine … Propofol is!”

12. “Nurses may not be angels, but they are the next best thing.”

13. “Nursing friendships are a different kind of love; like, ‘I’ll hold the butt cheeks while you clean the butt crack’ kind of love!’

14. “Nursing school: where your classmates see you more than your family.”

15. “Nursing: Expose yourself to rare, exotic and exciting new diseases!”

16. “Remember, I’m a nurse. You’re going to have to say a lot to gross me out.”

17. “Since I started nursing school, I get less sleep at night than you get during a nap.”

18. “Treat your nurse well. ‘I can walk as slow or as fast as I choose to retrieve that pain medication you requested.“1

19. “WOW, I LOVE NURSING SCHOOL, CARE PLANS and FINAL EXAMS”. Said no one Ever.”

20. “Yes I’m nurse. No, I don’t want to look at it.”

22. “You can’t cure stupid, but you can sedate it.”

23. “You think Mondays are bad? Try working weekends, holidays and 12 hours night!”

24. “Always thank your nurse. Sometimes they’re the only one between you and a hearse.” – Warren Beatty

25. “How do nurse day “F@*% you”? ..”Yes doctor”.”

26. “Nurses are I.V. leaguers.”

27. “What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? “Some butthole has my pen!””

28. “A new nurse comes in with the perfect hair and makeup. An old nurse comes in and is just glad to be there.”

29. “A new nurse doesn’t want the patient to fall because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. And old nurse doesn’t want the patient to fall because she hates paperwork.”

30. “A new nurse gets scared when a doctor yells. An old nurse yells back.”

31. “A new nurse is excited to sign everything. An old nurse tries not to sign anything.”

32. “A new nurse writes notes on a pad. An old nurse writes on a napkin, at the back of their hand, or even on their forearm.”

33. “How is it that waitresses refill drinks and get tipped 15%, but I clean up poop, scrub feet, wash hair, provide medicine and keep people alive and still get yelled at?”

34. “How many nurses does it take to screw a light bulb? None-Its delegated to the nursing students.”

35. “I’m a nurse. I’m here to save your butt, not kiss it.”

36. “I’ve come to the realization that I’ll touch anything as long as I have gloves on.”

37. “If I collapse at work, here is the list of doctors I don’t want working on me.”

38. “Not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.”

39. “Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors, nurse in charge and patients”

40. “Tried to go a whole day without talking about bowels. !FAILED!”

41. “Yes, I charted that I charted what I previously charted. Wait, hold on I have to chart that I told you about my charting.”

42. “If love can’t cure it, nurses can.”

43. “Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors.” ~Gerhard Kocher

44. “Nursing: Where else can you experience the thrill of having total strangers poop in front of you like it’s totally your business?”

45. “The only chance I got to sit down today was on toilet.”

46. “You know you are a nurse when you find yourself betting on someone’s blood alcohol content.”

47. “Multiple traumas – A unit full of ventilators and patients trying to die on me all day…I’m sorry what were you saying about your busy day with the stapler?”